Thursday, April 30, 2009

Old friends, new friends and missing friends.

Confucius Cat say: Life without friends isn't living.  This was never more true than now when my cat slave (best friend and mommy all rolled into one) went away.  I'm not sure where she went. Something about a conference...whatever that is.  All I know is that she's gone.

Of course, my good friend (and my one of my saviors), lets call her T, is here to take care of the essentials: food, water, play...and of course love.  So, I can't really say I AM deprived. I just feel deprived.  Besides, if I admit I'm well taken care of, my mommy won't feel guilty when she comes back.

So to compensate for my loneliness, I'm spending a lot of time on Facebook making new cyber cat friends around the world.  I must say it is fun conversing with French cats, British cats, Italian cats, Serbian cats.... and can't forget the American cats.  Facebook, twitter, blogs.  The new ways technology provides to give us (even cats) opportunity to make new friends.  

And one can never have too many friends.  

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Ecology minded Cat

With the problems faced by the earth today, even cats have to be "into" ecological concerns.  All of the food containers my cat slave uses for instance have to be recyclable.  And I don't drink bottled water...although I do insist on filtered.  I have no problem with sharing a whole house with my cat slave (she's a pretty good mommy after all). I even conserve natural resources by allowing the canine housemate to reside with us.  
All in all, I'm doing my part for planet earth. 

And when I consider all the advancements of science, even though there are dire predictions about global warming and the melting of the polar icecaps, etc, I think that top scientists and entrepreneurs will come up with ways of making our planet livable into the foreseeable future.  But I'm not certain I see much hope for a couple of other commodities in the world today: (1) intelligence and (2) common sense.  

While there are many brilliant folks (many cats among them), there are an increasing number of people who act quite dumb.  Research says that indeed the average IQs of human beings is decreasing.  So there is objective evidence of the jeopardy in which intelligence finds itself.  And common sense has disappeared almost totally.  For proof of this see any television reality show you want to choose. The earth can't survive if the people on it lose these two valuable commodities.

So Confucius Cat say: Do your part to help planet earth.  Conserve two of our most precious natural resources. Intelligence and common sense are in dangerously short supply.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Cat Kisses

Cat tongues are miraculous things.  They are a bit rough, but then we use them to groom our luxurious coats and keep ourselves looking like the beauteous beings that we are.  But our tongues can also be used for healing others.  I know that when I bestow cat kisses, they cure any ill my mommy might have thought she had.  Just a tiny lick to the face is all that is needed to make the universe wonderful again.  

Confucius Cat say: a cat kiss a day keeps the swine flu away.  So stock up on your cats now!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

CANINE CHRONICLES -Part Three: The dog's side.

As the "canine housemate" of Confucius Cat, I must say that I am confused about his attitude. For example,  I can be laying on the sofa completely asleep and CC jumps up and smacks me in the head so he can lay there.  He has great fun, at my expense, by lurking in the doorway to the hall, ready to pounce when I walk by. .. He has been known to run from a great distance when he hears me approach the hallway so that he can get in pounce position.  

I'm older than CC and have been with our mommy a lot longer. By rights I should have the alpha position in the house.  I could be resentful, but I'm not.  I'm always bubbly and happy.  I figure eventually Karma or the law of attraction or something (maybe a lightning bolt from above) will begin to work on my "feline housemate" and I will get the treatment I deserve. Plus, dog is God backwards, you know.  So I kinda have a reputation to uphold.

Besides, when the feline gets outa line, I get a lot of sympathy.  Sympathy = kisses and milk bones.  Haaaaa haaaaa.  

So Zelda the dog says:  When it comes to abuse from your feline housemate, kiss sweetened dog treats are the best revenge.   


Saturday, April 25, 2009

CANINE CHRONICLES -Part Two: Morality tales from American Idol

It occurs to me that perhaps my post yesterday was too extreme.  Too black and white.  Yes, I still believe you should love your enemies like the bible says.  But if I've learned anything from American Idol and other reality television it is that you should be hypercritical of everybody else. 

So Confucius Cat say:  Lesson from Am Idol-your opinion matters more if you are mean at least 90% of the time...preferably with british accent.

I think this is why it works for me to be mix up my mean with a little bit of sugar in my treatment of the canine housemate.  Think Simon Cowell with a tail.  I achieve about a 70% claws to 30% kisses ratio.  (I've tried to get to the 90% but no luck yet). 
I am both good cop and bad cop all rolled into one gorgeous ball of fur.
But even with this imperfect ratio my niceness is appreciated all the more by the dog and by my mommy.  She thinks I'm just wonderful when if I give the dog a little snogging (british word-imagine accent here).  If I follow it up with a little snuggling pounce treats follow.  

Mmmmm. Pounce treats.  Suddenly, I'm hungry.  

Tomorrow is part three of the Canine Chronicles with our guest blogger: Zelda, the canine housemate.

Friday, April 24, 2009

CANINE CHRONICLES - Part One: In defense of torture.

Confucius Cat say: Love your enemies...except that canine living in your house. You CAN torture dogs. But not with water. I hate water. 

The bible says to love your enemies.  I agree with that in theory.  But I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean you have to love the dog that's horning in on your space.  That canine housemate that you can't get rid of. You don't have to "love" that dog do you?  No, there's a little known exception to the "love" requirement when it comes to cats and dogs.

Think about it.  You can find proof of the exception in the fact that the cat and the dog have been warring over the same homeland for thousands of years of domesticity. More proof exists in the world of cartoons stereotypes which depict the exception over and over.  There was even a major motion Hollywood motion picture a few years ago called "Cats and Dogs" that contained this exception as its basic theme.  Case closed: cats can torture dogs.  

And most important the "torture" gets results.  My canine housemate ALWAYS moves off the sofa when I unleash my claws. And I have to say that the dog actually benefits when I torture it.  My mommy picks up the canine.  Oohs and Aahs.  Gives out kisses.  The canine even gets a dog treat.  Mmmm treat.  So you could say it's mutually beneficial.  

So in the great question of torturing dogs?  I'm okay with it.  

More tomorrow in Part Two.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Technorati Profile

The Crown of Greatness

Heavy is the head that wears the crown of greatness.  How well Confucius Cat knows the truth of this.  

Everyday I labor with new ways to entertain and amuse my cat slave.  Sometimes I have to be quite silly.  Today I'm not in the mood.  I think the greatness of today will be in the amount of fawning I lavish on my mommy.  I'll curl up next to her and lick her hand.  I'll throw myself down in her path and allow her to stroke my fur for at least three minutes.  I'll follow her everywhere she goes.  I'll even hop into the shower with her.  Oh yes, it's a big burden being a great cat...but some cat has to do it.  And I'm glad it's me. 

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


Last night I coughed up a hairball.  I didn’t quite get the laugh riot effect of puss-n-boots in Shrek 2.  Instead, my stomach was kind of hurt from all the yaking.  Plus, I don’t think my cat slave was happy when she stepped on the slimy, furry, amalgam I left for on the tread of the last stair.  

She didn’t realize that the placement was multi-purpose.  Leaving the hairball in an obvious to location: (1) eased clean-up—no petrified hairball discovery in a few months (they can look suspiciously like dead mice), and (2) My slave is alerted that I am in need of brushing more often so my coat is more shiny, and (3) I get more cat treats since they have hairball preventative inside.  Mmmmmm, cat treats.

So with one hairball I hit a trifecta. 

Confucius cat say: Coughing up a hairball is like a bet in Las Vegas after an all-you-can-eat buffet.  If the bet is well placed, it yields big dividends. If its not, your left with nothing but an aching tummy.   

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Cats vs. Technology

Confucius Cat say: Dog who chases mouse wants to be a cat. Cat who chases mouse wants to play with the computer.

There are so many video clips on Youtube featuring cats apparently confused by technology. Cats attacking printers, laying on keyboards, twitching in time to sounds. Are my feline brethren truly so clueless? No. I shall clear-up this major misunderstanding even if to do so will reveal a species secret. These cats are not confused, they are humoring their humans. The cats in these videos are jesters who want to please their cat slaves. Such behavior enhances the services provided and leads to more cat treats, more play time and other incentives. Your cat is smarter than you think.

Monday, April 20, 2009


Whenever the wind whips up and rain starts falling like little hammers on my house, the National Weather Service adds to the upset by a panicky storm warning.  First comes the brakish noise of the siren bell (apparently meant to make us pay attention to the television screen) and if that doesn't freak out me and my canine housemate, then comes the scary mechanical man voice and his announcement that we should be freaked out because there's a storm (or a tornado coming). 

I realize this is all probably some plan by the humans to protect each other, but to me it just makes the disruption of a storm worse and more scary.  If my human doesn't hurry and mute the television when one of these announcements comes on, the canine quivers and I have to jump off my comfortable sofa and hide underneath.  Can't these humans find a way to improve a storm instead of make it worse?

Confucius cat say: responding to a problem with panic is like seeding the clouds in a storm.  But responding with calm is like putting up an umbrella.   And the calm part will lead to more cat kisses from your baby.  

Sunday, April 19, 2009


Today I'm congratulating myself on being a verrrrrry smart cat.  My cat slave has been hopping all day long: cleaning my litter box, feeding me (two different selections), offering up pounce treats (mmmmm, pounce treats), and dangling a play-toy over my head until I got tired and decided to lay in the sun.  All in all, I think my selection of human was extremely well done.  Plus, I sure do love her.  

So today Confucius Cat say to humans: Choose a job you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life.  To cats: Choose a human who'll love you and you'll never have to work a day of your nine lives.

Saturday, April 18, 2009


Most of the time my cat slave is very good about keeping my house quiet and warm (or cool depending on the season) so that my sleep is not interrupted unnecessarily.  But on occasion, noise breaks out when my cat slave shouts at the television about something called politics...which apparently involve tea. 

What does tea.....Never mind.  I digress. 

The anger of the cat slave not only interrupts sleep but can interrupt cat services.  So I've been pondering the issue of politics.  From what I can tell there are lots of people who disagree about a lot of things and some of them believe and act pretty stupidly in support of their politics.  None of them seem to be able to convince each other of anything.  Logic seems to have very little to do with it.   In the world of the cat, it all seems fairly silly.  

My advice to all you humans is stop arguing about politics.  Go home and stroke your cats. Throw in some oogly love words and some cat treats. There now, doesn't all that cat love feel better than fighting about tea? 

Friday, April 17, 2009

Sleep deprived in Savannah

Dear wise and wonderful confucius cat-
What do you do when you just can't seem to sleep anymore? I use to sleep 18 or more hours a day. Now I can't sleep more than 16. I'm starting to hiss more and claw out at my owners because I am so sleep deprived. Any suggestions?

Dear Boots:

Your dilemma is a common one suffered by cats around the world.  Sleep deprivation can make even the sweetest natured cats lash out at their cat slaves.  When that happens, the service of the cat slave to the cat can be interrupted.  Your problem may stem from noise.  My advice is to find a nook, hidden from prying eyes of your cat slave, where you will be able to get a quiet day...and nights... sleep.  Nighty night from your sage advice giver, Confucius cat.  


Today I heard my cat slave (owner) talking about aplusk on twitter.  Who the tweet is Ashton and why does he want to my follow him? The only tweets I know of are the snacks flying around just outside the sunroom window.  Hmmmm, snacks. Maybe, if I lie on that contraption my cat slave is typing on, she'll have to stop and feed me.  

Thursday, April 16, 2009

In need of gasy advice

Dear Confucius cat,
My slaves, err owners, are mad at their teenagers for taking the car all over town and depleting it of gas. What should my slave- err owners do?
Sissy cat

Dear Sissy cat:

Your owners must dangle the car keys over the heads of their teenagers until they promise to conserve gas.  This kind of play always exhausts me and I will agree to anything after ten minutes.   Teenagers do not have the stamina of cats. Thus, I am certain the teenagers will concede in less than five.

As always, I remain your wise and wonderful Confucius Cat


Feel free to post any questions or requests for advice from Confucius Cat in the comments section.


Confucius Cat say: generosity of spirit costs no money.  Cat toys are expensive...but well worth the price.  

The following example is an illustration of this principle.  Today, as I was lounging in the hall grooming my luxurious fur coat, the dog walked by within paw reach.  And although I have repeatedly communicated to my cat slave (aka: owner) that this dog is an interloper who should be forced to move out of my house, I was generous and did not claw or bite the dog.  I was then presented with an excellent new cat toy.  Thus, for all you cats (and kittens) contemplating violence against your canine housemates, consider the potential rewards of generosity of spirit before you strike.