I'm a Published Author

For a number of years, I've been active in this blog, and on twitter, imparting my sage pronouncements from on high. Now I'm a literary 

giant with the release of a new book. 

And as a treat for all my friends: IT'S FREE TODAY AS AN EBOOK AT AMAZON http://amzn.com/B008504R9W

Here's what the product description says: 

Translated from the original Catspeak, Confucius Cat says, is a hilarious and profound collection of the advice and observations of the wise and wonderful feline philosopher. 

Praise for Confucius Cat Says...

"A purrrrfect book for anyone who loves to laugh."
- Ravenous Readers

"Hilariously funny and wise. A must-read book..."
-Wanda Wienen Kruse
Book Reviewer

Overview
Confucius Cat knows all and has generously agreed to impart his wisdom to the world in this compendium of his best advice and observations.

More Praise

 "If you're a cat lover, buy this book."
-Aspinwald

Book Reviewer

"Fun, quirky cute book for cat lovers everywhere."

Busy Happy Mom
Book Reviewer

I hope you'll check it out while it's FREE. 

Also FREE today is mummy's book FATED HEARTS which is a paranormal romance novella. http://amzn.com/B006XVD53O But enough about that. It's ME we should be focusing on. 

Go download "Confucius Cat Says..." The most important book of our generation!

Red, White and......

.........and CAT!

I almost.....

got my entire body into the box. My big head wouldn't fit.

I'm Really Working....

....I'm dusting the floor right now.

Weather Forecast...Sunny

.........With a chance of catnaps.

If I lay here....

.......................you'll have to pet me instead of working.

Does this.........

...........angle make my butt look fat? I am NOT fat. It's all muscle............and fur.

Mum? We might need to.....

....go to the grocery store. I think we're out of tuna.

HAPPY...........

CATERDAY!

 

I'm looking marvelous today, if I do say so myself...and I do.

And Today Is..............

Just another manic monday.

Top 5 Cat professions- If we had to work...which we don't

As a cat lucky enough to live in the lap of luxury in the lap of my mummy, I definitely do not have to work. Everything I could want or need is provided me on demand...and I demand a lot. Nevertheless, it occurs to me I would be good at many jobs. 

Honorary mention:  Baker-This only gets honorary mention because we are good at kneading the dough but not that great at putting it in the oven. 

The top 5 are:

Number 5:   Cat burglar -  Come on, this one is even named after us felines.  Especially effective at stealing food.

Number 4:  Comedian - Naturally able to make humans laugh...even when they're in a bad mood.

Number 3: Sprinter - When we're at top speed in a run through the house we could break world records...if only the humans would time us.

Number 2:  Modeling - We cats are extremely photogenic and are able to strike many poses. Some of us try to avoid having our picture taken....that's just an act. We secretly love it.

And the number 1 profession is: Yoga instructor - Still working on downward dog however...the bark is particularly challenging. 

Fortunately, I was able to find a photo illustrating me performing 3 out of the top 5 professions. No one can get a picture of me as sprinter. 

Super Caterday

Today is Super Caterday!

You cats out there might say: "Confucius. Every day is a super day for cats." And you would be right. But only Saturday has the advantage of being a day when most humans are off work and can putter about the house lingering on your every move, every cute expression. They are there to fulfill your every need and wish. If you're entertaining enough they won't even go out for errands.

Sunday just isn't as good. Sure, most humans don't go to work on Sunday.  But they tend to want to linger in bed. Read the paper. Sure you can enjoy cuddling with them on the bed but they aren't up and about catering to you, you, YOU. Then a lot of them go off to church and where are you? (That was rhetorical. I know your left at home and don't go to church.) 

So enjoy Super Caterday. Put on your cape, strap on your jet pack and fly.

Purr on my cat people!

Sleep Deprivation Experiments

I have recently conducted a number of sleep deprivation studies on a human subject....my mummy a.k.a. the cat slave.

Night one

Methods utilized: 

*  Light nosebump to the cheek.

* Paw applied with slight pressure to the nose.

* Pretending to dig a hole in the sheets.

* Chasing imaginary bug around room.

* Climbing drapes.

* Using main stairway as racetrack.

Time intervals:

Every thirty minutes beginning at 2 a.m.

Results:

Awakening the human at thirty minute intervals prompt food service to the cat but not much stroking or nuzzling. Human seems agitated and exhibits a distinct reduction in "sense of humor" levels for next 24 hours.

Night two

Methods utilized:  Knocking items off the bedside table.

Time intervals: hourly

Results: 

There is an inverse relationship between the hour of the a.m. and the number of items the cat must knock off the bedside table to awaken the human subject:

7 a.m. 1

6 a.m. 2

5 a.m. 4

4 a.m. 8

3 a.m. 16 

Nose tapping the lampshade twice with the nose can substitute for knocking off one item.

Human subject is even more humorless. Threatening talk elicited.  Threats include tossing cat from room and locking door....however human subject did not take action.

Conclusions:

Confucius Cat say: sleep deprivation not only makes a human cranky but may also dangerous to the health...of the cat that keeps waking them up.  Use techniques sparingly for maximum effect.

Cat Flag Signals

Lately I've been studying flags - Cat flags. You know what I mean. A cat's flag is his tail. 

Some cat flags are sleek, with short hair and a point at the end. Some are curled into the shape of question marks or internet punctuation. Mine is luxuriously, lusciously full of long poofy hair and makes the tail look thicker than my leg.

Then there is flag position. The cat flag can fly at full mast...as when I am proudly striding through my domain, surveying all, controlling all. The cat flag may also be completely lowered as when the cat is watching but has not yet spotted anything of interest. The lowered flag begins to twitch and swish in a kind of morse code that says: "I've spotted prey...leave me alone." Then there is the half mast position of full out running as the cat dashes through its territory chasing prey....or nothing at all

To summarize, Confucius Cat say: you can tell the tale of a cat by its tail.

Movie Review - My Life in Ruins

My Life in Ruins, a light-hearted romantic comedy, doesn't qualify as the summer blockbuster Confucius Cat is famous for reviewing. However, I loved My Big Fat Greek Wedding, so I thought I would enjoy it...and I was right. 

The plot in which the main character is "trapped" in Greece as a tour guide is a bit predictable. But Nia Vardalos, the star, is cute and funny and there are a lot of laughs. My mummy says that the jokes about the tourists hit very close to home as to some of the foreign bus tours she's taken. Plus the scenery is gorgeous.  And the romantic interest is suitably hunky...for a human.  

My main problem with the movie was in the comedic confidant character Irv, played by Richard Dreyfuss.  Come on movie people. Can't you think of a new type of confidant. The typical are: young gay man, snarky young girl, and crotchety-but funny-old man or woman. Irv fits into the last category.  

The movie could have been so much better with a completely unexpected and  non-stereotypical confidant like....a talking cat. Yeah. That's the ticket. A cat can improve any movie. For example, Shrek 2 was much better than Shrek because of the Puss n Boots character.  

I urge everyone to write to the Hollywood studios. Demand better entertainment for your dollar. Demand a wisecracking cat in every movie....we'll work on television later. 

 

My Life in Ruins-without the cat-gets two 1/2 meows.

Wait or Weight: Advice to Pierre

Dear Confucius Cat,

Do I need a health care plan? According to my owners, I'm a large cat. They do this thing where they decide I weigh 18.5 pounds. Is that too much? I consider myself big-boned for a cat, but I am a Maine Coon after all. I get some exercise but my owner has recently started putting cod liver oil in my food. It smells awful but she assures me it will help avoid possible joint issues as I age. I'm willing to take my chances since the stuff tastes so bad, and if I have insurance then she doesn't have to worry, right? Pierre LeChat

Dear Pierre: 

WAIT!  It is apparent to me that your owner has become way too uppity.  Owner? What's with that.  She's your slave Pierre...and don't let her forget it.  At best they should be considered staff.  You may not have seen my recent study on astronomy wherein I reported that the recently repaired Hubble telescope has confirmed that the earth revolves around the sun and the sun revolves around the cat.  YOU are the center of the universe. Keep repeating it to yourself.  

Now WEIGHT!  I'm a Maine Coon too and I don't think 18.5 pounds is too heavy particularly if it's all muscle.  Can your human feel your ribs when she's giving your nightly (and daily) tummy rub?

Although your staff no doubt has your best interests at heart (and clearly loves you and wants you to stay well) I have to say that cod liver oil stuff sounds disgusting. Life is too short not to enjoy your food.  Can't she give you something in pill form or shoot the liquid down your throat when your not expecting it?  Can you manage to dump that cod liver gunk into her food "by accident"?  She might reconsider if she had to taste it.   A brief hunger strike could also be effective. 

As to the issue of insurance I'm gonna say NO.  Haven't you hear the insurance companies are apparently super evil geniuses?  That AIG place along with the banks apparently brought down the world's economy and somehow convinced everyone to give them billions in reward.  I have no confidence the insurance wouldn't go out of business or that it would pay when you need it to.  

Besides there's a comet that'll end the world in 2012 so why worry.

Confucius Cat say: Live for today and enjoy... and get that staff back under control.  You're giving the staff that serves the rest of ideas above their station.

Classic Movie Quotes

The cat is the center of the universe. In keeping with this truth, last Sunday’s blog included the following quote:  “Catness is never having to say you’re sorry.” This comes of course from the famous movie, Cat Story.

This posting garnered much acclaim. Popular demand (Okay I admit it was one reader suggestion), requires a further walk down the memory lane of cat movie quotations.

Who could forget the following:

"They may take our lives, but they can never take out cats!" - Bravecats.

"The first rule of fight club is...bring a cute kitty." - Cat Fight Club.

“Lord Voldecat is back.” - Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Cat.

“No, Mr. Bond. I expect to you to ... find my cat." - Blofeld in Goldcat

"Of all the gin joints, in all the world...that cat had to walk into mine." Catablanca. 

"Life is like a box of litter...you never know how many clumps you'll get." - Forrest Cat.

"You had me at meow."- Jerry McCat.

"I had the time of my life, and I owe it all...to the cat." Johnny in Cat Dancing.

"Nobody puts the kitty in the corner." Johnny in Cat Dancing.

"I'll make him an offer he can't refuse...I'll offer him the cat." Brando in the Catfather

"I'll be back...after I find the cat." Arnold in Termicater

"The cat? You can't handle the cat!" Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Cats

"Frankly, my dear...I don't give a damn that we'll always have Paris. Where's my cat?" - Gone with the Cat.

But by far greatest number of quotes come from the groundbreaking Sci Fi classic, Cat Wars: 

 
"These are not the cats you're looking for." 

"Go with the cats, Luke."

And the most famous:
"Luke...I am your cat." 

If I’ve forgotten any of your favorites I hope you’ll post them as a comment.  Until then: May the cats be with you.

History Worships the Cat

It has come to my attention in studying history that the Egyptians worshipped the cat...and why wouldn't ya? In fact, black cats-like me- were considered good luck. BAST was an Egyptian goddess and many courted the favor of the goddess by procuring black cats for their household. Egyptians apparently believed that the BAST would become part of that cat in spirit and therefore their household would prosper. Coooool.  Egyptians even mummified cats.  Mummy cats?  Now that's going a bit too far.

There are other examples of cats well loved in history. For example Sir Isaac Newton so loved his cat-a cat with an incessant desire to be let in and out-that the scientist invented the cat flap door. 

A medieval King of Wales, Hywel Dda (meaning 'the good') passed legislation making it illegal to kill or harm a cat. Gotta love a King like that.

Marie Antoinette loved her Angora cats so much that 6 were bundled onto a ship and sent to Maine in the United States. Marie wasn't so lucky. Not too long after, she was beheaded in the French Revolution. According to legend her Angoras mated with local cats and created the beautiful Main Coon breed of cat- of which I am an illustriously gorgeous member.

Charles I, King of England in the 1600s, owned a black cat he loved. When the cat died Charles is quoted as saying "Alas my luck is gone." The next day he was arrested and charged with treason. He was later beheaded.

Hmmmm. Two rulers beheaded after their cats left them.  I better warn my mummy. I've got some extensive leverage to bargain for extra cat treats.  

Anyway, the cat is a special creature who deserves-if not worship- to be treated with respect, love and care. I think everyone reading this post would fit into the category of person who already treats their cats and other furry souls with kindness (if not worship)...but I bet all of you know of those who don't.  Those bad people better watch out.  If history is anything to go by, they got a serious beat down coming down the Karma pipeline.

Confucius Cat say: walk like an Egyptian...at least when it comes to treating cats with the respect they deserve. 

 

Top 5 Reasons to Jump onto the Canine Housemate.

For the first "Top 5" Confucius Cat has chosen a universal archetype of the cat life: dealing with a dog.  So here goes. 

Confucius cat say that the Top 5 reasons to jump on your canine housemate:

5. The canine begs you to play by lying down within leaping distance of the table you're lying on.

4. The humans in your house are sleeping and you're hungry.

3. A trampoline isn't available.

2. You had a lot of catnip.

And the number 1 reason to jump on your canine housemate is:

1. Because she's there!!!!!!!!

Movie Review - Terminator Salvation

Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgement Day were fabulous movies. Christian Bale is one of my favorite actors. So you can imagine I was really looking forward to the release of Terminator: Salvation. 

But from the beginning there was lots of crashing and booming and bashing and screeching.  I admit I crouched under the theater seat most of the time, hissing when someone tried to pull me out. As a cat, I don't favor all that scary special effects noise.  From my hiding place I listened to the quiet parts. But the dialogue seemed pretty much like an ordinary phone conversation. In fact, I heard someone in the audience shout toward the back of the theater: "You're taking a phone call? REALLY?"  

My mummy reports that the movie was really good, once the rude people stopped talking on their cell.  I'm not really sure what a cell is but...okay.  She wants me to tell you that the movie successfully incorporated elements of the earlier films and explained many elements such as the source of John Connor's scar and how he met his father.  

Based on my mummy's comments I'm giving it: three 1/2 meows.  But it seems like they coulda made the sound effects more cat friendly.