New Motto

Confucius Cat say:   

Catness Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry.

Happy Sunday!

Meaningful Words

Recently, I've been frustrated hearing words being misused, their meanings mistaken, and the English language thus abused. Consequently, I decided to start a new series of postings to explain the meanings of some common and some not-so-common words.  First, I will begin with those that are "cat" related.

Catastrophe = Using a cat face to punctuate a sentence =^..^=

Catacomb = Brushing the fur of a matted cat.

Catskills = Two meanings (1) a place and (2) the talents of a cat.

Category = The mouse after the cat is done. Nuff said.

Cataract = The performance the cat gives when its deliberately ignoring you.

Catalyst = The slightly sideways angle of the cats hindquarters when running at top speed and the back end is faster.

Catapult= Past tense of catpull. For example, "The ball of string was in a mess after the catapult it." 

Catmandu = Oops think that one starts with a "k". Never mind. 

Then there are the lesser known "cat" related words.

Catalicious = I refuse to define this because I hate people who add -"alicious" to everything.

Catelope =  2 cats run off together. The antonym of cantelope which of course is 2 cats having a fight and running away from each other.

Catniption =  The gyration the cat has after getting a taste of its favorite substance.

I hope this has been of assistance. More words for your edifiCATion in subsequent postings.

Top 5 Reasons to Jump onto the Canine Housemate.

For the first "Top 5" Confucius Cat has chosen a universal archetype of the cat life: dealing with a dog.  So here goes. 

Confucius cat say that the Top 5 reasons to jump on your canine housemate:

5. The canine begs you to play by lying down within leaping distance of the table you're lying on.

4. The humans in your house are sleeping and you're hungry.

3. A trampoline isn't available.

2. You had a lot of catnip.

And the number 1 reason to jump on your canine housemate is:

1. Because she's there!!!!!!!!

Movie Review - Terminator Salvation

Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgement Day were fabulous movies. Christian Bale is one of my favorite actors. So you can imagine I was really looking forward to the release of Terminator: Salvation. 

But from the beginning there was lots of crashing and booming and bashing and screeching.  I admit I crouched under the theater seat most of the time, hissing when someone tried to pull me out. As a cat, I don't favor all that scary special effects noise.  From my hiding place I listened to the quiet parts. But the dialogue seemed pretty much like an ordinary phone conversation. In fact, I heard someone in the audience shout toward the back of the theater: "You're taking a phone call? REALLY?"  

My mummy reports that the movie was really good, once the rude people stopped talking on their cell.  I'm not really sure what a cell is but...okay.  She wants me to tell you that the movie successfully incorporated elements of the earlier films and explained many elements such as the source of John Connor's scar and how he met his father.  

Based on my mummy's comments I'm giving it: three 1/2 meows.  But it seems like they coulda made the sound effects more cat friendly.

Movie Review - X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Mummy keeps talking about hunky Hugh Jackman.  How she want to see Wolverine.

Is she crazy? I'm not going anywhere near a Wolverine.  I'm definitely not going to be trapped in a dark theater with one. They prey on cats.  They eat cats. Meowwww.

So my review of the movie X-Men Origins: Wolverine is this: Didn't do it and not going to.

I am a cat. I'm not crazy.

I give it one big Meow with the emphasis on the Ow.

American Idol: Who should win?

Kris Allen or Adam Lambert.  Who should win American Idol 2009?

From a cat's perspective, doesn't really matter that much to me.  Neither of these contestants sang any cat related songs as far as I can recall.  Would it have hurt to sing "What's New Pussycat?"  Or maybe a little "Cat Scratch Fever."

However, as the wisest of beings I have decided to weigh in on this question.  

I did watch the finale last night.  Kinda toned down from last year. No celeb duets. Only one hour. But same old horrible original song.  Where do they get these songs?  Can't a big production like this afford to pay a professional songwriter to write something we'd want to hear a second time. I'm not gonna say it was like caterwauling...'cause I obviously like caterwauling.

As a head to head comparison of the other two songs they sang, I have to give the duel to Adam. Not only does he have an awesome range to his voice, he's very polished and poised.  Plus, his asymmetrical cut has a higher "cat play" factor. (I want to play with his hair more than Kris's).

The long duster coat he wore was also more mysterious. I could have hidden in that coat for hours without discovery. Very important aesthetic for a cat.  

So although Kris is a cute boy with a fine voice, I'm voting for Adam to win....if I can get my claws to hit the correct telephone keys.

Movie Review - Angels and Demons

The second big blockbuster movie of the season opened last Friday: Angels and Demons.  The movie stars Tom Hanks so naturally I was excited to see it. I love him...although I can't recall any movies in which he starred which also featured a cat. In fact, it seems like he was a canine owner in "You've Got Mail".  But I digress.

The trailer for the movie indicated its plot revolved around an attack on something called the CAT-o-lick Church. Cats and licking and Tom Hanks.  What a great premise.  

And the movie was exciting. Fast paced and action packed.  And there was promise in the second murder.  Rats figured prominently.  Rats...not such good eating, but very good sport.

But midway through the film I became distressed. There were no cats. Not one. And there was no licking.  

I did allow myself to be distracted from the lack of licking cats by Tom, the fabulous action sequences, intricate plot and beautiful scenery of Rome.

But I do take issue with the marketing of this film.  This is one of those where you are led to expect one type of film and then get another.  The filmmakers should be cautioned that if you promise something in the trailer, you should deliver.

My conclusion is that Angels and Demons is an exciting action thriller for the entire family...but don't expect any cats or licking.

I give it: Three 1/2 meows. 

I coulda been SHELDON

What's in a name? 

My chosen name is Confucius Cat. The moniker implies I'm wise. Capable of giving great advice. Which is very true of me. I am the sagest of cats. 

My given name is Alley.  Implies tough but funny loving. Survivor of hard knocks. These are all true.  But I could have been named Sheldon.  My mummy and auntie found me (and my sister) living in a tree knoll in Old Sheldon church cemetery in South Carolina. But would I be the same wonderful cat if I'd been christened Sheldon?

Sheldon is a nerd. Sheldon does your taxes (per When Harry Met Sally). Sheldon is an intellectual. 

After some heavy thought I have concluded that I would be basically the same wondrous piece of gorgeousity as I am now had I been named Sheldon.

So-----Confucius Cat say: an Alley by any other name would still purr as sweet....but I'm still glad mummy didn't name me Sheldon.

ENTREE CHOICE: SALMON VS CHICKEN & LIVER

When it comes to dinner, most of the time I favor tuna.  But when I've had tuna more than twice in a week I like a little variety.  So I need to choose between salmon and a mixture of chicken & liver.  

Today I was thrilled when my slave opened the salmon today.  Yum. Salmon has that lovely flaky consistency and the meow mix version has a tasty sauce.  And the color... appetizing.  I took a few bites and it was good but....  

I decided I would like to have the chicken and liver instead.  Chicken and liver (the meow mix version anyway) has little cubes of chicken together with chunks of liver in a brown livery sauce. Mmmmm.  

So I approached my slave and gave a few squeeky and plaintive miaows until she followed me to see what was wrong. Then I hopped up on the dining room table to show her.  Initially, she said I had to eat what was in front of me.  "I'm not going to open another one," she said.  

Then I turned my sad eyes on her and gave one lone mew.  She melted before my eyes.  I had chicken and liver before you could say chi...

So when it comes to entree choice my fellow cats, you don't have to make a choice.  You can have both...if your crafty.

Movie Review - Star Trek

This is Confucius Cat's first movie review.  For this auspicious occasion I have chosen the new blockbuster STAR TREK.

From the cat's perspective:    THE MOVIE SUCKS.   There were no cats in it at all.  What's with that?  A future without cats?  Who would want to live in such a universe.

From the human perspective:     THE MOVIE WAS GREAT.  While the young actors were able to catch the flavor (and even a number of the mannerisms) of the original series actors, they were not annoying mimics.  The script was written to entertain both avid fans (with many of the beloved lines made famous by the original series) and those who might never have seen the original (those who lived under a rock for the last 40 years).  The special effects were effective. Not too cartoonish.  Exciting.   

But back to the cat thing. What's with that J.J. ?  How come there are no animals on the Enterprise.  A crew needs a little nuzzling and purring after a hard day fighting Romulans.  I expect better in the sequel.

Four meows (woulda been five out of five if there had been cats).

Storm and Punishment

Confucius Cat say: when storm clouds come into your life, don't hide under the bed...or pee on the carpet.

My mummy went crazy today.  I don't say it was without reason. But more about that in a bit.

There was a thunderstorm that boomed and crashed around us.  Rain pummeled the windows and roof.  Such events can be scary for pets.  It seems like at any second this unexplained noise will burst into the house to do us bodily harm.  

I met this challenge with my usual aplomb...I hid under the bed.  Okay, okay. I could have continued to lay on the sofa, but I wasn't quite that calm.  However, the canine housemate was beside herself.  She shook.  She quaked.  She jumped onto the sofa. She begged to be picked up onto the sofa.  She ran into the living room. She ran into the family room.  Mummy got increasingly agitated. 

Finally, the coup de grâce: the canine peed on the living room rug.  Horrors. Mummy went insane. It was scarier than the storm.  But again I kept my cool.  I went from under the bed and ran to the living room and through the center of the pee.  (I was trying to make things better-really). 

 

Heavenly Opportunity...for Massage

Some days you are presented with special opportunities that aren't available every day...and one must make the most of them.  

My mummy (er-slave) had a friend at our house this morning. They both worked on their computers seated at opposite ends of our dining room table. The opportunity was there and I...like a smart cat... grabbed it.  I stretched out on the table between them with my front claws clutching the keyboard of one computer and my tail swishing the other.  Stretching and preening, it didn't take long for me to get what I wanted.  A two sided massage.  My head was stroked and rubbed. My back and tail were petted and caressed.  I was able to get them to continue this intermittently for about an hour.  SCORE! Pure heaven for a cat.

Now I'm working on begging for treats...from both.

Confucius Cat say: grab every opportunity with both paws...and your tail if necessary.  Heaven awaits.

BORN TO BE WILD...OR MAYBE NOT

Dear Confucius Cat:

My Human Slave Owner Mean Creature refuses to let me return to the wild. I was the queen of hill when I lived in the North Carolina mountains and now I am relegated to watching cat HD out the windows. There are so many birds -- I need to kill something, and soon!

Help!
Fagan

Dear Fagan:

If you are as crafty as the original Fagan, I'm certain you could find a way to escape to the outside...if that is truly what you want.  I suspect that your unconscious is actually happy for the safety and security of your luxurious indoor paradise.  It is only your pride that makes you think you are unhappy watching out the windows.  

If you have a need to kill, may I suggest a canine housemate.  If you do not have one of your own, I can loan you one.  If a canine is not an acceptable victim, Perhaps you can find a stray bug or lizard that makes its way inside.  Toy creatures are also good for fantasy killing.  

The bottom line my friend Fagan is: be happy in your indoor palace.  Many other cats wish they had it so good....and would take your place in a second.  So don't go outside! You could find your spot taken when you get back.

Advice sincerely rendered by the fabulously wondrous Confucius Cat

Cat Math

X = 100 x  1 (a + b) = ^..^ =  

As I was racing through the house today, the above equation ran through my head.  X being the sound made by feet on a stairway and "a" being species and "b" being weight.  The result is that there seems to be an inverse relationship between weight and the noise one's feet make on the stairs... So it is that one cat (me) sounds like a herd of elephants.  

But then a friend pointed out that many cats are able to alternate at will between herd of elephants sound and ninja like stealth. Hmmmm.  Another variable seems to be claw length and traction.  Mmmmm.  

Clearly there is something wrong with my calculation.   Back to the drawing board.  Maybe a few more trips up and down the stairs will clarify the matter.  This is what is called the scientific method.  

Happy Birthday!

Confucius Cat says: Let them eat cake...birthday cake. Happy Birthday to me.

It's important that we...including cats... celebrate our birth. It is the single most thing for which we should be grateful, after all. Without our birth we would not enjoy the day-to-day wonders of living in this world. So our birthdays should be the best holiday of the year. We should insist on presents - Even if we give them to ourselves. And not necessarily presents that have a monetary cost. The present of a wonderful and heartfelt birthday wish can mean as much as a pouch of pounce treats.

I know, I know. Pounce treats are delicious..... But still I maintain that the even the yummy pounce treats can be matched by the gift of a joyously spent day or a kiss.

So, today I'm marking my fourth birthday by doing exactly as I please. I'm spending alot of time playing with my favorite toys, lounging on the cat condo in the sun, watching the birds...and getting special hugs and kisses from my mummy. And I'm remembering to thank my cat mommy who brought me into this world. For all the faults and traumas of my early days, without those bad days I wouldn't have the good ones I've enjoyed for the last three years and 10 months.

And yes....I did get a bag of pounce treats and a toy sea horse for my birthday, so I can't claim to be completely non-commercial.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Why is it that there is such a lack in the ability to show "respect" these days.  (I have a new pouch of Pounce treats for anyone that can give me the answer). 

Like the maintenance people in an office who leave it full of dust, mold and rat droppings from changing out a drop ceiling tile.  Or a person who feels it's okay to stop at a street corner and toss a bag of trash to the curb so that it dumps litter. Or the person who yells obscenities rather than giving a polite honk in traffic.  Or how about the total lack of civility in conversation...even from a waitress who has a vested interest in being nice because of the anticipated tip.  

Or how about the politicians who not only can't agree on the right way to do things, but can't even be civil about their disagreement.  The trend is for a politician to treat the person who disagrees with him or her with vitriolic terms such as: un-american, socialist, communist, lunatic and fascist.  

The above are reported from my mommy.  But even in the world of the cat there is a significant lack of respect these days.  Like the cat who stands outside the door of my house and tries to get in and live here. (As if I'd let that happen) Or when the canine housemate insists on laying on the ottoman and I'm forced to bat her in the ears with my paws to get her to move.  Oops that last example doesn't make me look so respectful.  Forget about that example.  

If we all could just start the movement to increase respect on our individual levels maybe respect would spread. There could be miraculous results.  For instance, if there was worldwide mutual respect, how could wars continue. 

Anyway, it's my opinion that this world would be a much better place if we could all just respect one another.  And respecting each others property, opinions, health, etc., doesn't mean we have to give up our own rights or views.  

Confucius Cat say: demand respect without disrespecting others.  It is possible.  And it's what this world needs.  

Welcome Home

My mommy came home yesterday from the conference (still not certain what that is).  I was so happy. I rubbed against her leg. Against her other leg. I jumped on the dining room table so I could get almost to the level of her face and mewed.  Then when she leaned toward me I nuzzled her face and licked it. 

I got strokes and kisses and loving words.  It was so wonderful that I ... forgot to be aloof as a punishment for her absence.  Crumbs! How is she going to learn not to misbehave by leaving me alone (not alone but....). How is she going to learn if I reward her when she comes back?

Oh well, the love feels better than aloof anyway.  I'll find another way to assert my cat superiority.  I'll think of something. 

Confucius Cat say it is better to stand with your misbehaving cat mommy, than to stand alone on principle. Mommies are warmer than principle.

BEING THE GUILLOTINE OR THE CALM

With this whole swine flu-excuse me, H1N1, pandemic in the news, it occurs to Confucius Cat that these humans are sheep.  

*Momentary silence as CC considers all the animals in that last sentence.*

What I mean is that the panic among the humans is increasing as the media coverage herds them into more and more of a frenzy. More and more cases are reported. The flu is in more states, more countries. There are doctors with dire projections and possibilities about world wide possible deaths and even whether the flu might mutate.  

I don't know whether this coverage of the swine flu is justified or whether what is really a pretty normal flu outbreak is being blown out of proportion. What I do know is that this is an illustration of how easy it is to whip people into a frenzy and lose yourself in that whirlpool of panic.  

Instead, it is my advice to stay calm.  Whether real or hype, what good will panic do for you or anyone else in situations such as this.

And so to paraphrase Rudyard Kipling, Confucius Cat say: if you can keep your head as all those about you are losing theirs, you're either calm...or the guillotine operator.  Be the calm!