Dear Confucius - I'm cold

Dear Confucius Cat,

They shaved my butt. Why oh why did they shave my butt? Okay, so the slight poopy smell was not pleasant but I'm big and was working on it, it just got clogged or something.

Now my nethers are bare and when I sit on the cool air place it's not as good anymore.

Please advise.

Sincerely,

Pierre LeChat

Dear Pierre:

Confucius Cat say: a cat with a shaved butt is a feline who suffers embarrassment.

The first point clear to me is that your Staff requires a serious reprimand. How dare staff cause the boss such indignity? Retraining is required. May I suggest some or all of the following techniques:

• Constant complaining meows until appeasement with treats is forthcoming.
• Ignore staff when they seek cuddling and/or nuzzles.
• Use of staff’s favorite furniture item as a scratching post.
• Lying across staff’s bed with an “I’m so cute you can’t move me” look on your face.

Second, while you must suffer the indignity of this incident until the fur in question grows back, may I suggest the following amelioration:

• Require staff to carry you about on a pillow at all times so that the bare areas do not come into contact with cold tile.
• Staff should knit a covering for the bare areas out of excess shed fur. Use of your own fur will reduce any allergic reaction should common yarn or fabric be used.
• Cold tile should be warmed with heating pad or hot water bottle by staff prior to time you wish to sit on same daily.

Third point. Retraining should prevent it. However, should staff make moves suggesting they will try to shave “that portion” of your anatomy again, then hissing while in Halloween cat pose may strike enough fear to prevent action. If not........run for the nearest closet or other favorite hiding place.

Good luck my hapless...or should I say furless...friend.

The wise and wonderful Confucius Cat.

P.S. Cute photo of you, my friend.