Dear Confucius - I'm cold

Dear Confucius Cat,

They shaved my butt. Why oh why did they shave my butt? Okay, so the slight poopy smell was not pleasant but I'm big and was working on it, it just got clogged or something.

Now my nethers are bare and when I sit on the cool air place it's not as good anymore.

Please advise.

Sincerely,

Pierre LeChat

Dear Pierre:

Confucius Cat say: a cat with a shaved butt is a feline who suffers embarrassment.

The first point clear to me is that your Staff requires a serious reprimand. How dare staff cause the boss such indignity? Retraining is required. May I suggest some or all of the following techniques:

• Constant complaining meows until appeasement with treats is forthcoming.
• Ignore staff when they seek cuddling and/or nuzzles.
• Use of staff’s favorite furniture item as a scratching post.
• Lying across staff’s bed with an “I’m so cute you can’t move me” look on your face.

Second, while you must suffer the indignity of this incident until the fur in question grows back, may I suggest the following amelioration:

• Require staff to carry you about on a pillow at all times so that the bare areas do not come into contact with cold tile.
• Staff should knit a covering for the bare areas out of excess shed fur. Use of your own fur will reduce any allergic reaction should common yarn or fabric be used.
• Cold tile should be warmed with heating pad or hot water bottle by staff prior to time you wish to sit on same daily.

Third point. Retraining should prevent it. However, should staff make moves suggesting they will try to shave “that portion” of your anatomy again, then hissing while in Halloween cat pose may strike enough fear to prevent action. If not........run for the nearest closet or other favorite hiding place.

Good luck my hapless...or should I say furless...friend.

The wise and wonderful Confucius Cat.

P.S. Cute photo of you, my friend.

Wait or Weight: Advice to Pierre

Dear Confucius Cat,

Do I need a health care plan? According to my owners, I'm a large cat. They do this thing where they decide I weigh 18.5 pounds. Is that too much? I consider myself big-boned for a cat, but I am a Maine Coon after all. I get some exercise but my owner has recently started putting cod liver oil in my food. It smells awful but she assures me it will help avoid possible joint issues as I age. I'm willing to take my chances since the stuff tastes so bad, and if I have insurance then she doesn't have to worry, right? Pierre LeChat

Dear Pierre: 

WAIT!  It is apparent to me that your owner has become way too uppity.  Owner? What's with that.  She's your slave Pierre...and don't let her forget it.  At best they should be considered staff.  You may not have seen my recent study on astronomy wherein I reported that the recently repaired Hubble telescope has confirmed that the earth revolves around the sun and the sun revolves around the cat.  YOU are the center of the universe. Keep repeating it to yourself.  

Now WEIGHT!  I'm a Maine Coon too and I don't think 18.5 pounds is too heavy particularly if it's all muscle.  Can your human feel your ribs when she's giving your nightly (and daily) tummy rub?

Although your staff no doubt has your best interests at heart (and clearly loves you and wants you to stay well) I have to say that cod liver oil stuff sounds disgusting. Life is too short not to enjoy your food.  Can't she give you something in pill form or shoot the liquid down your throat when your not expecting it?  Can you manage to dump that cod liver gunk into her food "by accident"?  She might reconsider if she had to taste it.   A brief hunger strike could also be effective. 

As to the issue of insurance I'm gonna say NO.  Haven't you hear the insurance companies are apparently super evil geniuses?  That AIG place along with the banks apparently brought down the world's economy and somehow convinced everyone to give them billions in reward.  I have no confidence the insurance wouldn't go out of business or that it would pay when you need it to.  

Besides there's a comet that'll end the world in 2012 so why worry.

Confucius Cat say: Live for today and enjoy... and get that staff back under control.  You're giving the staff that serves the rest of ideas above their station.

BORN TO BE WILD...OR MAYBE NOT

Dear Confucius Cat:

My Human Slave Owner Mean Creature refuses to let me return to the wild. I was the queen of hill when I lived in the North Carolina mountains and now I am relegated to watching cat HD out the windows. There are so many birds -- I need to kill something, and soon!

Help!
Fagan

Dear Fagan:

If you are as crafty as the original Fagan, I'm certain you could find a way to escape to the outside...if that is truly what you want.  I suspect that your unconscious is actually happy for the safety and security of your luxurious indoor paradise.  It is only your pride that makes you think you are unhappy watching out the windows.  

If you have a need to kill, may I suggest a canine housemate.  If you do not have one of your own, I can loan you one.  If a canine is not an acceptable victim, Perhaps you can find a stray bug or lizard that makes its way inside.  Toy creatures are also good for fantasy killing.  

The bottom line my friend Fagan is: be happy in your indoor palace.  Many other cats wish they had it so good....and would take your place in a second.  So don't go outside! You could find your spot taken when you get back.

Advice sincerely rendered by the fabulously wondrous Confucius Cat