Wait or Weight: Advice to Pierre

Dear Confucius Cat,

Do I need a health care plan? According to my owners, I'm a large cat. They do this thing where they decide I weigh 18.5 pounds. Is that too much? I consider myself big-boned for a cat, but I am a Maine Coon after all. I get some exercise but my owner has recently started putting cod liver oil in my food. It smells awful but she assures me it will help avoid possible joint issues as I age. I'm willing to take my chances since the stuff tastes so bad, and if I have insurance then she doesn't have to worry, right? Pierre LeChat

Dear Pierre: 

WAIT!  It is apparent to me that your owner has become way too uppity.  Owner? What's with that.  She's your slave Pierre...and don't let her forget it.  At best they should be considered staff.  You may not have seen my recent study on astronomy wherein I reported that the recently repaired Hubble telescope has confirmed that the earth revolves around the sun and the sun revolves around the cat.  YOU are the center of the universe. Keep repeating it to yourself.  

Now WEIGHT!  I'm a Maine Coon too and I don't think 18.5 pounds is too heavy particularly if it's all muscle.  Can your human feel your ribs when she's giving your nightly (and daily) tummy rub?

Although your staff no doubt has your best interests at heart (and clearly loves you and wants you to stay well) I have to say that cod liver oil stuff sounds disgusting. Life is too short not to enjoy your food.  Can't she give you something in pill form or shoot the liquid down your throat when your not expecting it?  Can you manage to dump that cod liver gunk into her food "by accident"?  She might reconsider if she had to taste it.   A brief hunger strike could also be effective. 

As to the issue of insurance I'm gonna say NO.  Haven't you hear the insurance companies are apparently super evil geniuses?  That AIG place along with the banks apparently brought down the world's economy and somehow convinced everyone to give them billions in reward.  I have no confidence the insurance wouldn't go out of business or that it would pay when you need it to.  

Besides there's a comet that'll end the world in 2012 so why worry.

Confucius Cat say: Live for today and enjoy... and get that staff back under control.  You're giving the staff that serves the rest of ideas above their station.

Top 5 Reasons to Jump onto the Canine Housemate.

For the first "Top 5" Confucius Cat has chosen a universal archetype of the cat life: dealing with a dog.  So here goes. 

Confucius cat say that the Top 5 reasons to jump on your canine housemate:

5. The canine begs you to play by lying down within leaping distance of the table you're lying on.

4. The humans in your house are sleeping and you're hungry.

3. A trampoline isn't available.

2. You had a lot of catnip.

And the number 1 reason to jump on your canine housemate is:

1. Because she's there!!!!!!!!

I coulda been SHELDON

What's in a name? 

My chosen name is Confucius Cat. The moniker implies I'm wise. Capable of giving great advice. Which is very true of me. I am the sagest of cats. 

My given name is Alley.  Implies tough but funny loving. Survivor of hard knocks. These are all true.  But I could have been named Sheldon.  My mummy and auntie found me (and my sister) living in a tree knoll in Old Sheldon church cemetery in South Carolina. But would I be the same wonderful cat if I'd been christened Sheldon?

Sheldon is a nerd. Sheldon does your taxes (per When Harry Met Sally). Sheldon is an intellectual. 

After some heavy thought I have concluded that I would be basically the same wondrous piece of gorgeousity as I am now had I been named Sheldon.

So-----Confucius Cat say: an Alley by any other name would still purr as sweet....but I'm still glad mummy didn't name me Sheldon.

ENTREE CHOICE: SALMON VS CHICKEN & LIVER

When it comes to dinner, most of the time I favor tuna.  But when I've had tuna more than twice in a week I like a little variety.  So I need to choose between salmon and a mixture of chicken & liver.  

Today I was thrilled when my slave opened the salmon today.  Yum. Salmon has that lovely flaky consistency and the meow mix version has a tasty sauce.  And the color... appetizing.  I took a few bites and it was good but....  

I decided I would like to have the chicken and liver instead.  Chicken and liver (the meow mix version anyway) has little cubes of chicken together with chunks of liver in a brown livery sauce. Mmmmm.  

So I approached my slave and gave a few squeeky and plaintive miaows until she followed me to see what was wrong. Then I hopped up on the dining room table to show her.  Initially, she said I had to eat what was in front of me.  "I'm not going to open another one," she said.  

Then I turned my sad eyes on her and gave one lone mew.  She melted before my eyes.  I had chicken and liver before you could say chi...

So when it comes to entree choice my fellow cats, you don't have to make a choice.  You can have both...if your crafty.

Cat Math

X = 100 x  1 (a + b) = ^..^ =  

As I was racing through the house today, the above equation ran through my head.  X being the sound made by feet on a stairway and "a" being species and "b" being weight.  The result is that there seems to be an inverse relationship between weight and the noise one's feet make on the stairs... So it is that one cat (me) sounds like a herd of elephants.  

But then a friend pointed out that many cats are able to alternate at will between herd of elephants sound and ninja like stealth. Hmmmm.  Another variable seems to be claw length and traction.  Mmmmm.  

Clearly there is something wrong with my calculation.   Back to the drawing board.  Maybe a few more trips up and down the stairs will clarify the matter.  This is what is called the scientific method.  

Happy Birthday!

Confucius Cat says: Let them eat cake...birthday cake. Happy Birthday to me.

It's important that we...including cats... celebrate our birth. It is the single most thing for which we should be grateful, after all. Without our birth we would not enjoy the day-to-day wonders of living in this world. So our birthdays should be the best holiday of the year. We should insist on presents - Even if we give them to ourselves. And not necessarily presents that have a monetary cost. The present of a wonderful and heartfelt birthday wish can mean as much as a pouch of pounce treats.

I know, I know. Pounce treats are delicious..... But still I maintain that the even the yummy pounce treats can be matched by the gift of a joyously spent day or a kiss.

So, today I'm marking my fourth birthday by doing exactly as I please. I'm spending alot of time playing with my favorite toys, lounging on the cat condo in the sun, watching the birds...and getting special hugs and kisses from my mummy. And I'm remembering to thank my cat mommy who brought me into this world. For all the faults and traumas of my early days, without those bad days I wouldn't have the good ones I've enjoyed for the last three years and 10 months.

And yes....I did get a bag of pounce treats and a toy sea horse for my birthday, so I can't claim to be completely non-commercial.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Why is it that there is such a lack in the ability to show "respect" these days.  (I have a new pouch of Pounce treats for anyone that can give me the answer). 

Like the maintenance people in an office who leave it full of dust, mold and rat droppings from changing out a drop ceiling tile.  Or a person who feels it's okay to stop at a street corner and toss a bag of trash to the curb so that it dumps litter. Or the person who yells obscenities rather than giving a polite honk in traffic.  Or how about the total lack of civility in conversation...even from a waitress who has a vested interest in being nice because of the anticipated tip.  

Or how about the politicians who not only can't agree on the right way to do things, but can't even be civil about their disagreement.  The trend is for a politician to treat the person who disagrees with him or her with vitriolic terms such as: un-american, socialist, communist, lunatic and fascist.  

The above are reported from my mommy.  But even in the world of the cat there is a significant lack of respect these days.  Like the cat who stands outside the door of my house and tries to get in and live here. (As if I'd let that happen) Or when the canine housemate insists on laying on the ottoman and I'm forced to bat her in the ears with my paws to get her to move.  Oops that last example doesn't make me look so respectful.  Forget about that example.  

If we all could just start the movement to increase respect on our individual levels maybe respect would spread. There could be miraculous results.  For instance, if there was worldwide mutual respect, how could wars continue. 

Anyway, it's my opinion that this world would be a much better place if we could all just respect one another.  And respecting each others property, opinions, health, etc., doesn't mean we have to give up our own rights or views.  

Confucius Cat say: demand respect without disrespecting others.  It is possible.  And it's what this world needs.  

Welcome Home

My mommy came home yesterday from the conference (still not certain what that is).  I was so happy. I rubbed against her leg. Against her other leg. I jumped on the dining room table so I could get almost to the level of her face and mewed.  Then when she leaned toward me I nuzzled her face and licked it. 

I got strokes and kisses and loving words.  It was so wonderful that I ... forgot to be aloof as a punishment for her absence.  Crumbs! How is she going to learn not to misbehave by leaving me alone (not alone but....). How is she going to learn if I reward her when she comes back?

Oh well, the love feels better than aloof anyway.  I'll find another way to assert my cat superiority.  I'll think of something. 

Confucius Cat say it is better to stand with your misbehaving cat mommy, than to stand alone on principle. Mommies are warmer than principle.

Old friends, new friends and missing friends.

Confucius Cat say: Life without friends isn't living.  This was never more true than now when my cat slave (best friend and mommy all rolled into one) went away.  I'm not sure where she went. Something about a conference...whatever that is.  All I know is that she's gone.

Of course, my good friend (and my one of my saviors), lets call her T, is here to take care of the essentials: food, water, play...and of course love.  So, I can't really say I AM deprived. I just feel deprived.  Besides, if I admit I'm well taken care of, my mommy won't feel guilty when she comes back.

So to compensate for my loneliness, I'm spending a lot of time on Facebook making new cyber cat friends around the world.  I must say it is fun conversing with French cats, British cats, Italian cats, Serbian cats.... and can't forget the American cats.  Facebook, twitter, blogs.  The new ways technology provides to give us (even cats) opportunity to make new friends.  

And one can never have too many friends.  

Cat Kisses

Cat tongues are miraculous things.  They are a bit rough, but then we use them to groom our luxurious coats and keep ourselves looking like the beauteous beings that we are.  But our tongues can also be used for healing others.  I know that when I bestow cat kisses, they cure any ill my mommy might have thought she had.  Just a tiny lick to the face is all that is needed to make the universe wonderful again.  

Confucius Cat say: a cat kiss a day keeps the swine flu away.  So stock up on your cats now!

CANINE CHRONICLES -Part Three: The dog's side.

As the "canine housemate" of Confucius Cat, I must say that I am confused about his attitude. For example,  I can be laying on the sofa completely asleep and CC jumps up and smacks me in the head so he can lay there.  He has great fun, at my expense, by lurking in the doorway to the hall, ready to pounce when I walk by. .. He has been known to run from a great distance when he hears me approach the hallway so that he can get in pounce position.  

I'm older than CC and have been with our mommy a lot longer. By rights I should have the alpha position in the house.  I could be resentful, but I'm not.  I'm always bubbly and happy.  I figure eventually Karma or the law of attraction or something (maybe a lightning bolt from above) will begin to work on my "feline housemate" and I will get the treatment I deserve. Plus, dog is God backwards, you know.  So I kinda have a reputation to uphold.

Besides, when the feline gets outa line, I get a lot of sympathy.  Sympathy = kisses and milk bones.  Haaaaa haaaaa.  

So Zelda the dog says:  When it comes to abuse from your feline housemate, kiss sweetened dog treats are the best revenge.   

 

CANINE CHRONICLES -Part Two: Morality tales from American Idol

It occurs to me that perhaps my post yesterday was too extreme.  Too black and white.  Yes, I still believe you should love your enemies like the bible says.  But if I've learned anything from American Idol and other reality television it is that you should be hypercritical of everybody else. 

So Confucius Cat say:  Lesson from Am Idol-your opinion matters more if you are mean at least 90% of the time...preferably with british accent.

I think this is why it works for me to be mix up my mean with a little bit of sugar in my treatment of the canine housemate.  Think Simon Cowell with a tail.  I achieve about a 70% claws to 30% kisses ratio.  (I've tried to get to the 90% but no luck yet). 

I am both good cop and bad cop all rolled into one gorgeous ball of fur.

But even with this imperfect ratio my niceness is appreciated all the more by the dog and by my mommy.  She thinks I'm just wonderful when if I give the dog a little snogging (british word-imagine accent here).  If I follow it up with a little snuggling pounce treats follow.  

Mmmmm. Pounce treats.  Suddenly, I'm hungry.  

Tomorrow is part three of the Canine Chronicles with our guest blogger: Zelda, the canine housemate.

CANINE CHRONICLES - Part One: In defense of torture.

Confucius Cat say: Love your enemies...except that canine living in your house. You CAN torture dogs. But not with water. I hate water. 

The bible says to love your enemies.  I agree with that in theory.  But I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean you have to love the dog that's horning in on your space.  That canine housemate that you can't get rid of. You don't have to "love" that dog do you?  No, there's a little known exception to the "love" requirement when it comes to cats and dogs.

Think about it.  You can find proof of the exception in the fact that the cat and the dog have been warring over the same homeland for thousands of years of domesticity. More proof exists in the world of cartoons stereotypes which depict the exception over and over.  There was even a major motion Hollywood motion picture a few years ago called "Cats and Dogs" that contained this exception as its basic theme.  Case closed: cats can torture dogs.  

And most important the "torture" gets results.  My canine housemate ALWAYS moves off the sofa when I unleash my claws. And I have to say that the dog actually benefits when I torture it.  My mommy picks up the canine.  Oohs and Aahs.  Gives out kisses.  The canine even gets a dog treat.  Mmmm treat.  So you could say it's mutually beneficial.  

So in the great question of torturing dogs?  I'm okay with it.  

More tomorrow in Part Two.

The Crown of Greatness

Heavy is the head that wears the crown of greatness.  How well Confucius Cat knows the truth of this.  

Everyday I labor with new ways to entertain and amuse my cat slave.  Sometimes I have to be quite silly.  Today I'm not in the mood.  I think the greatness of today will be in the amount of fawning I lavish on my mommy.  I'll curl up next to her and lick her hand.  I'll throw myself down in her path and allow her to stroke my fur for at least three minutes.  I'll follow her everywhere she goes.  I'll even hop into the shower with her.  Oh yes, it's a big burden being a great cat...but some cat has to do it.  And I'm glad it's me. 

A HAIRBALL IN TIME SAVES NINE...OR AT LEAST THREE

Last night I coughed up a hairball.  I didn’t quite get the laugh riot effect of puss-n-boots in Shrek 2.  Instead, my stomach was kind of hurt from all the yaking.  Plus, I don’t think my cat slave was happy when she stepped on the slimy, furry, amalgam I left for on the tread of the last stair.  

She didn’t realize that the placement was multi-purpose.  Leaving the hairball in an obvious to location: (1) eased clean-up—no petrified hairball discovery in a few months (they can look suspiciously like dead mice), and (2) My slave is alerted that I am in need of brushing more often so my coat is more shiny, and (3) I get more cat treats since they have hairball preventative inside.  Mmmmmm, cat treats.

So with one hairball I hit a trifecta. 

Confucius cat say: Coughing up a hairball is like a bet in Las Vegas after an all-you-can-eat buffet.  If the bet is well placed, it yields big dividends. If its not, your left with nothing but an aching tummy.   

Cats vs. Technology

Confucius Cat say: Dog who chases mouse wants to be a cat. Cat who chases mouse wants to play with the computer.

There are so many video clips on Youtube featuring cats apparently confused by technology. Cats attacking printers, laying on keyboards, twitching in time to sounds. Are my feline brethren truly so clueless? No. I shall clear-up this major misunderstanding even if to do so will reveal a species secret. These cats are not confused, they are humoring their humans. The cats in these videos are jesters who want to please their cat slaves. Such behavior enhances the services provided and leads to more cat treats, more play time and other incentives. Your cat is smarter than you think.

CAT HABITS

Today I'm congratulating myself on being a verrrrrry smart cat.  My cat slave has been hopping all day long: cleaning my litter box, feeding me (two different selections), offering up pounce treats (mmmmm, pounce treats), and dangling a play-toy over my head until I got tired and decided to lay in the sun.  All in all, I think my selection of human was extremely well done.  Plus, I sure do love her.  

So today Confucius Cat say to humans: Choose a job you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life.  To cats: Choose a human who'll love you and you'll never have to work a day of your nine lives.

WHAT THE TWEET IS A TWITTER?

Today I heard my cat slave (owner) talking about aplusk on twitter.  Who the tweet is Ashton and why does he want to my mommy...er slave...to follow him? The only tweets I know of are the snacks flying around just outside the sunroom window.  Hmmmm, snacks. Maybe, if I lie on that contraption my cat slave is typing on, she'll have to stop and feed me.