A Cat Cameo: IN DEEP SHITAKE

I'm a STAR!!
Well, you all knew that already. Or at least as my friends you humor me and let me think I'm a star. But my Mummy just released a book and I have a cameo. (The photo is me and my sister Zuzu).
ZuZu was rescued from where she was living in a bush at a nearby park. It took mummy six weeks to make her comfortable enough for mum to catch her. Now she never wants to leave us.

By the way, mummy's book is FREE, FREE, FREE, at Amazon.com MAY 7-9th, so I hope you'll check it out! And look for the bits about me!

The book is called IN DEEP SHITAKE. It's a humorous romantic suspense. Here's the blurb telling you a bit more about it.

Take one devastatingly handsome movie star.

Add in one outrageously sexy female private eye with a penchant for food-word obscenities.

Mix in a dose of mistaken identity and a handful of Russian mobsters.

And they're all In Deep Shitake.

Amazon - U.S. http://amzn.com/B007VDZ0JA

Amazon - U.K. http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B007VDZ0JA

Back to my favorite subject - ME!  Notice the cat on the cover. I love it!!!!! Looks just like me!!!!

My cameo is about a third of the way through the book and it's a very important turning point in the action...if I do say so myself....Which I do!  I put the hero through some very torturous moments while he's trying to save me. I don't want to spoil anything by telling you more. Only that mummy named the cat character Talley. Very crafty of her to disguise my name so well. Ha ha.

Mum also has a story featuring the In Deep Shitake heroine in Bullets, Brass and Babes: A Thriller Anthology. It's also FREE May 7th-9th at Amazon.

http://www.amazon.com/Bullets-Brass-Babes-Anthology-ebook/dp/B007V69ZKC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1334852428&sr=8-1

Dozens more books are also going to be FREE as part of the Spring Fling FREE Par-Tay. So check out www.freepartay.com for more details on how to get those books and win prizes!

 Let's Par-Tay!!!!!!!!!!

Ode to the Vile Vial

In honor of World Cat Day 2009, Confucius Cat offers this original poem: 

ODE TO THE VILE VIAL 

Oh vile vial, noxious ampule.

Once a month, over you I must duel.

You may keep the fleas at bay and other pests in check,

But expect you no fight to keep the goop from my neck?

I run and I hide.

Giving in would destroy my pride.

But I can’t get away,

The human says this is the day.

Oh vile vial. Defeat has spoiled my glorious fur, though tis temporary.

My vow is to win next time, so you had better be wary.

Flashback-PTKSD

Lately, I've been particularly touchy about the front door. Whenever it opens, or is about to open from the inside, I run as far and as fast as I can...up the stairs, to the kitchen, under the sofa. All places I know will prevent me from ending up outside after that door closes again.

Why do I have such a fear of the outside...no...fear of going outside. I think it's post traumatic kitty stress disorder. I have flashbacks to when, as a tiny kitten, I was thrown with my sister Pieface into the wilds of South Carolina to live in a tree knoll at the Old Sheldon Church Cemetery. The memory isn't clear. All I know for sure is that I was cold, wet, hungry, and in danger from the wild animals and from the cars zipping past on the nearby street. I'm not certain how long we were there, Pieface and I, living on bugs in that tree knoll until I spotted my mummy and my aunt. I came out of hiding and stood at the gate of the cemetery. In the spot pictured above.

There was just something about my mummy.... I knew right away she was mine. It took her a lot longer to succumb to my wiles. I wanted to go with them right then, but my sister Pieface urged me not to. She was a lot more afraid of people and - let's be honest- more capable of surviving on her own in the wild. So we ran from mummy and Aunt Jacqui. Later, Aunt Jacqui came back with Tana (now one of our bestest friends in the whole world). It was Tana who managed to grab me first and then the faster moving Pieface. And Tana still has the scar on her thigh from Pieface's bite to show as a souvenir.

My mummy dotes on me. To her I am the sweetest, most handsome cat in the whole world, but still....when that door opens I become afraid that I'll somehow end up outside and in the world I knew before mummy and before my cushy housebound existence. I get all the food, water, toys, temperature control, soft sheets and LOVE a cat could want. Old Sheldon Church cemetery is beautiful....but to me my home is the most wonderful place in the world.

Confucius Cat say: No thing or place can be as wonderful as a home where you are loved.

International Box Day

Confucius Cat celebrates International Box Day

Movie Review - My Life in Ruins

My Life in Ruins, a light-hearted romantic comedy, doesn't qualify as the summer blockbuster Confucius Cat is famous for reviewing. However, I loved My Big Fat Greek Wedding, so I thought I would enjoy it...and I was right. 

The plot in which the main character is "trapped" in Greece as a tour guide is a bit predictable. But Nia Vardalos, the star, is cute and funny and there are a lot of laughs. My mummy says that the jokes about the tourists hit very close to home as to some of the foreign bus tours she's taken. Plus the scenery is gorgeous.  And the romantic interest is suitably hunky...for a human.  

My main problem with the movie was in the comedic confidant character Irv, played by Richard Dreyfuss.  Come on movie people. Can't you think of a new type of confidant. The typical are: young gay man, snarky young girl, and crotchety-but funny-old man or woman. Irv fits into the last category.  

The movie could have been so much better with a completely unexpected and  non-stereotypical confidant like....a talking cat. Yeah. That's the ticket. A cat can improve any movie. For example, Shrek 2 was much better than Shrek because of the Puss n Boots character.  

I urge everyone to write to the Hollywood studios. Demand better entertainment for your dollar. Demand a wisecracking cat in every movie....we'll work on television later. 

 

My Life in Ruins-without the cat-gets two 1/2 meows.

Top 5 Reasons to Jump onto the Canine Housemate.

For the first "Top 5" Confucius Cat has chosen a universal archetype of the cat life: dealing with a dog.  So here goes. 

Confucius cat say that the Top 5 reasons to jump on your canine housemate:

5. The canine begs you to play by lying down within leaping distance of the table you're lying on.

4. The humans in your house are sleeping and you're hungry.

3. A trampoline isn't available.

2. You had a lot of catnip.

And the number 1 reason to jump on your canine housemate is:

1. Because she's there!!!!!!!!

Movie Review - Terminator Salvation

Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgement Day were fabulous movies. Christian Bale is one of my favorite actors. So you can imagine I was really looking forward to the release of Terminator: Salvation. 

But from the beginning there was lots of crashing and booming and bashing and screeching.  I admit I crouched under the theater seat most of the time, hissing when someone tried to pull me out. As a cat, I don't favor all that scary special effects noise.  From my hiding place I listened to the quiet parts. But the dialogue seemed pretty much like an ordinary phone conversation. In fact, I heard someone in the audience shout toward the back of the theater: "You're taking a phone call? REALLY?"  

My mummy reports that the movie was really good, once the rude people stopped talking on their cell.  I'm not really sure what a cell is but...okay.  She wants me to tell you that the movie successfully incorporated elements of the earlier films and explained many elements such as the source of John Connor's scar and how he met his father.  

Based on my mummy's comments I'm giving it: three 1/2 meows.  But it seems like they coulda made the sound effects more cat friendly.

Movie Review - X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Mummy keeps talking about hunky Hugh Jackman.  How she want to see Wolverine.

Is she crazy? I'm not going anywhere near a Wolverine.  I'm definitely not going to be trapped in a dark theater with one. They prey on cats.  They eat cats. Meowwww.

So my review of the movie X-Men Origins: Wolverine is this: Didn't do it and not going to.

I am a cat. I'm not crazy.

I give it one big Meow with the emphasis on the Ow.

American Idol: Who should win?

Kris Allen or Adam Lambert.  Who should win American Idol 2009?

From a cat's perspective, doesn't really matter that much to me.  Neither of these contestants sang any cat related songs as far as I can recall.  Would it have hurt to sing "What's New Pussycat?"  Or maybe a little "Cat Scratch Fever."

However, as the wisest of beings I have decided to weigh in on this question.  

I did watch the finale last night.  Kinda toned down from last year. No celeb duets. Only one hour. But same old horrible original song.  Where do they get these songs?  Can't a big production like this afford to pay a professional songwriter to write something we'd want to hear a second time. I'm not gonna say it was like caterwauling...'cause I obviously like caterwauling.

As a head to head comparison of the other two songs they sang, I have to give the duel to Adam. Not only does he have an awesome range to his voice, he's very polished and poised.  Plus, his asymmetrical cut has a higher "cat play" factor. (I want to play with his hair more than Kris's).

The long duster coat he wore was also more mysterious. I could have hidden in that coat for hours without discovery. Very important aesthetic for a cat.  

So although Kris is a cute boy with a fine voice, I'm voting for Adam to win....if I can get my claws to hit the correct telephone keys.

I coulda been SHELDON

What's in a name? 

My chosen name is Confucius Cat. The moniker implies I'm wise. Capable of giving great advice. Which is very true of me. I am the sagest of cats. 

My given name is Alley.  Implies tough but funny loving. Survivor of hard knocks. These are all true.  But I could have been named Sheldon.  My mummy and auntie found me (and my sister) living in a tree knoll in Old Sheldon church cemetery in South Carolina. But would I be the same wonderful cat if I'd been christened Sheldon?

Sheldon is a nerd. Sheldon does your taxes (per When Harry Met Sally). Sheldon is an intellectual. 

After some heavy thought I have concluded that I would be basically the same wondrous piece of gorgeousity as I am now had I been named Sheldon.

So-----Confucius Cat say: an Alley by any other name would still purr as sweet....but I'm still glad mummy didn't name me Sheldon.

ENTREE CHOICE: SALMON VS CHICKEN & LIVER

When it comes to dinner, most of the time I favor tuna.  But when I've had tuna more than twice in a week I like a little variety.  So I need to choose between salmon and a mixture of chicken & liver.  

Today I was thrilled when my slave opened the salmon today.  Yum. Salmon has that lovely flaky consistency and the meow mix version has a tasty sauce.  And the color... appetizing.  I took a few bites and it was good but....  

I decided I would like to have the chicken and liver instead.  Chicken and liver (the meow mix version anyway) has little cubes of chicken together with chunks of liver in a brown livery sauce. Mmmmm.  

So I approached my slave and gave a few squeeky and plaintive miaows until she followed me to see what was wrong. Then I hopped up on the dining room table to show her.  Initially, she said I had to eat what was in front of me.  "I'm not going to open another one," she said.  

Then I turned my sad eyes on her and gave one lone mew.  She melted before my eyes.  I had chicken and liver before you could say chi...

So when it comes to entree choice my fellow cats, you don't have to make a choice.  You can have both...if your crafty.

Movie Review - Star Trek

This is Confucius Cat's first movie review.  For this auspicious occasion I have chosen the new blockbuster STAR TREK.

From the cat's perspective:    THE MOVIE SUCKS.   There were no cats in it at all.  What's with that?  A future without cats?  Who would want to live in such a universe.

From the human perspective:     THE MOVIE WAS GREAT.  While the young actors were able to catch the flavor (and even a number of the mannerisms) of the original series actors, they were not annoying mimics.  The script was written to entertain both avid fans (with many of the beloved lines made famous by the original series) and those who might never have seen the original (those who lived under a rock for the last 40 years).  The special effects were effective. Not too cartoonish.  Exciting.   

But back to the cat thing. What's with that J.J. ?  How come there are no animals on the Enterprise.  A crew needs a little nuzzling and purring after a hard day fighting Romulans.  I expect better in the sequel.

Four meows (woulda been five out of five if there had been cats).

BORN TO BE WILD...OR MAYBE NOT

Dear Confucius Cat:

My Human Slave Owner Mean Creature refuses to let me return to the wild. I was the queen of hill when I lived in the North Carolina mountains and now I am relegated to watching cat HD out the windows. There are so many birds -- I need to kill something, and soon!

Help!
Fagan

Dear Fagan:

If you are as crafty as the original Fagan, I'm certain you could find a way to escape to the outside...if that is truly what you want.  I suspect that your unconscious is actually happy for the safety and security of your luxurious indoor paradise.  It is only your pride that makes you think you are unhappy watching out the windows.  

If you have a need to kill, may I suggest a canine housemate.  If you do not have one of your own, I can loan you one.  If a canine is not an acceptable victim, Perhaps you can find a stray bug or lizard that makes its way inside.  Toy creatures are also good for fantasy killing.  

The bottom line my friend Fagan is: be happy in your indoor palace.  Many other cats wish they had it so good....and would take your place in a second.  So don't go outside! You could find your spot taken when you get back.

Advice sincerely rendered by the fabulously wondrous Confucius Cat

Cat Math

X = 100 x  1 (a + b) = ^..^ =  

As I was racing through the house today, the above equation ran through my head.  X being the sound made by feet on a stairway and "a" being species and "b" being weight.  The result is that there seems to be an inverse relationship between weight and the noise one's feet make on the stairs... So it is that one cat (me) sounds like a herd of elephants.  

But then a friend pointed out that many cats are able to alternate at will between herd of elephants sound and ninja like stealth. Hmmmm.  Another variable seems to be claw length and traction.  Mmmmm.  

Clearly there is something wrong with my calculation.   Back to the drawing board.  Maybe a few more trips up and down the stairs will clarify the matter.  This is what is called the scientific method.  

Happy Birthday!

Confucius Cat says: Let them eat cake...birthday cake. Happy Birthday to me.

It's important that we...including cats... celebrate our birth. It is the single most thing for which we should be grateful, after all. Without our birth we would not enjoy the day-to-day wonders of living in this world. So our birthdays should be the best holiday of the year. We should insist on presents - Even if we give them to ourselves. And not necessarily presents that have a monetary cost. The present of a wonderful and heartfelt birthday wish can mean as much as a pouch of pounce treats.

I know, I know. Pounce treats are delicious..... But still I maintain that the even the yummy pounce treats can be matched by the gift of a joyously spent day or a kiss.

So, today I'm marking my fourth birthday by doing exactly as I please. I'm spending alot of time playing with my favorite toys, lounging on the cat condo in the sun, watching the birds...and getting special hugs and kisses from my mummy. And I'm remembering to thank my cat mommy who brought me into this world. For all the faults and traumas of my early days, without those bad days I wouldn't have the good ones I've enjoyed for the last three years and 10 months.

And yes....I did get a bag of pounce treats and a toy sea horse for my birthday, so I can't claim to be completely non-commercial.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Why is it that there is such a lack in the ability to show "respect" these days.  (I have a new pouch of Pounce treats for anyone that can give me the answer). 

Like the maintenance people in an office who leave it full of dust, mold and rat droppings from changing out a drop ceiling tile.  Or a person who feels it's okay to stop at a street corner and toss a bag of trash to the curb so that it dumps litter. Or the person who yells obscenities rather than giving a polite honk in traffic.  Or how about the total lack of civility in conversation...even from a waitress who has a vested interest in being nice because of the anticipated tip.  

Or how about the politicians who not only can't agree on the right way to do things, but can't even be civil about their disagreement.  The trend is for a politician to treat the person who disagrees with him or her with vitriolic terms such as: un-american, socialist, communist, lunatic and fascist.  

The above are reported from my mommy.  But even in the world of the cat there is a significant lack of respect these days.  Like the cat who stands outside the door of my house and tries to get in and live here. (As if I'd let that happen) Or when the canine housemate insists on laying on the ottoman and I'm forced to bat her in the ears with my paws to get her to move.  Oops that last example doesn't make me look so respectful.  Forget about that example.  

If we all could just start the movement to increase respect on our individual levels maybe respect would spread. There could be miraculous results.  For instance, if there was worldwide mutual respect, how could wars continue. 

Anyway, it's my opinion that this world would be a much better place if we could all just respect one another.  And respecting each others property, opinions, health, etc., doesn't mean we have to give up our own rights or views.  

Confucius Cat say: demand respect without disrespecting others.  It is possible.  And it's what this world needs.  

Welcome Home

My mommy came home yesterday from the conference (still not certain what that is).  I was so happy. I rubbed against her leg. Against her other leg. I jumped on the dining room table so I could get almost to the level of her face and mewed.  Then when she leaned toward me I nuzzled her face and licked it. 

I got strokes and kisses and loving words.  It was so wonderful that I ... forgot to be aloof as a punishment for her absence.  Crumbs! How is she going to learn not to misbehave by leaving me alone (not alone but....). How is she going to learn if I reward her when she comes back?

Oh well, the love feels better than aloof anyway.  I'll find another way to assert my cat superiority.  I'll think of something. 

Confucius Cat say it is better to stand with your misbehaving cat mommy, than to stand alone on principle. Mommies are warmer than principle.

Old friends, new friends and missing friends.

Confucius Cat say: Life without friends isn't living.  This was never more true than now when my cat slave (best friend and mommy all rolled into one) went away.  I'm not sure where she went. Something about a conference...whatever that is.  All I know is that she's gone.

Of course, my good friend (and my one of my saviors), lets call her T, is here to take care of the essentials: food, water, play...and of course love.  So, I can't really say I AM deprived. I just feel deprived.  Besides, if I admit I'm well taken care of, my mommy won't feel guilty when she comes back.

So to compensate for my loneliness, I'm spending a lot of time on Facebook making new cyber cat friends around the world.  I must say it is fun conversing with French cats, British cats, Italian cats, Serbian cats.... and can't forget the American cats.  Facebook, twitter, blogs.  The new ways technology provides to give us (even cats) opportunity to make new friends.  

And one can never have too many friends.  

Cat Kisses

Cat tongues are miraculous things.  They are a bit rough, but then we use them to groom our luxurious coats and keep ourselves looking like the beauteous beings that we are.  But our tongues can also be used for healing others.  I know that when I bestow cat kisses, they cure any ill my mommy might have thought she had.  Just a tiny lick to the face is all that is needed to make the universe wonderful again.  

Confucius Cat say: a cat kiss a day keeps the swine flu away.  So stock up on your cats now!

CANINE CHRONICLES -Part Three: The dog's side.

As the "canine housemate" of Confucius Cat, I must say that I am confused about his attitude. For example,  I can be laying on the sofa completely asleep and CC jumps up and smacks me in the head so he can lay there.  He has great fun, at my expense, by lurking in the doorway to the hall, ready to pounce when I walk by. .. He has been known to run from a great distance when he hears me approach the hallway so that he can get in pounce position.  

I'm older than CC and have been with our mommy a lot longer. By rights I should have the alpha position in the house.  I could be resentful, but I'm not.  I'm always bubbly and happy.  I figure eventually Karma or the law of attraction or something (maybe a lightning bolt from above) will begin to work on my "feline housemate" and I will get the treatment I deserve. Plus, dog is God backwards, you know.  So I kinda have a reputation to uphold.

Besides, when the feline gets outa line, I get a lot of sympathy.  Sympathy = kisses and milk bones.  Haaaaa haaaaa.  

So Zelda the dog says:  When it comes to abuse from your feline housemate, kiss sweetened dog treats are the best revenge.